To Have A Successful Marriage, Children Must Come In Second!

Beth and I received an email recently. It was requesting an answer to how the wife and husband could overcome the resentment they had for each other. After reading it this is what I wrote: We live in a very stressful world, with many demands. Families have even added stress as the demands that are inherent in families are not often acknowledged by society. Marriage is all about two becoming one. It is dying to oneself and living and loving another. It is a death and burial, a funeral of YOU, ME and I, and a birth of WE and US. Marriage is two souls coming together. It is not just a paper contract; it is a covenant between the two of you and God. This why you should never enter the marriage with a way out in mind. The most important thing you can do for your children is to let them see you in love and being the “best of friends.” Your children must see the priorities you have chosen to live out in front of them and make sure they truly reflect what you want for them. This commitment is so important for the next generation to watch lived out in your life. The Bible says, “the children rise up and call her blessed” Priorities: Put God First, your spouse Second, Children and family third, then your work, ministry or business. Living this way is better than anything you can imagine! God’s Word says it very plainly in Matthew 6:33 “Seek you First the kingdom of heaven and HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS and all other things will be added unto you.” Children are often a transition in any relationship and “parents” are not always ready. The Man's role often intensifies as the needs of his family grows. He will often find that more time and effort is needed to provide for those extra mouths to feed. The wife’s role changes as her natural mothering instincts set in. Along with the household needs are the child's needs. Needless to say, with these added stresses, husband and wife relationships can find themselves under strain. When either parent makes their children the centerpiece of their lives, they run a risk of fostering neglect in their marriage. This can lead to resentment, resignation, and even alienation. Don’t let this harm the quality of your personal connection. Don’t be an example of an unhappy marriage relationship for your children to imitate in their own marriage. This is not to be interpreted as you don’t care and love your children. Just the opposite is true! You do love your children and you want the very best for them. I have watched marriages disintegrate as a mother told her husband the children will always come first. Loneliness and sadness are often the by-product in that type of marriage. I have seen husbands give up and instead pour their heart and soul into work or isolate themselves in some other way. Resentment sets in as the marriage begins to crumble. Beth and I have counseled a number of couples as they have reached these defining moments in their marriage. What to do if your marriage or family life is unsatisfying: Evaluate how you are spending your time. What are your priorities? Make a decision to change if it is not working. Set aside time for just the two of you. Put a regular date night on the Calendar! Think about getting away - just the two of you at least once a quarter - again schedule it - and make it happen! Even if it's at a local hotel. It doesn’t have to be elaborate; just time together to refocus, relax, and enjoy. Don’t allow your marriage to go into neutral. Do something special for your spouse today. Think about that! Have a prayer time and devotional time together. Find something of interest you both can do together outside of your job or ministry. Read or re-read Love and respect by Eggrich. “Love she so desperately desires and Respect he so desperately needs” And husbands need to know it is not all about them! Help out and stop complaining. There is much work to do ...and to be oblivious to it doesn’t cut it. More than anything else we can do for our children is to make sure our children know and love Jesus. They are watching. Are you reading your Bible, are they seeing you pray? Are they seeing you go to church? What joy flows out from you in troubling times? How do they see you pulling together to overcome? Then show them a happy and fulfilled marriage, and encourage them with the possibility of creating such a relationship as that in their lives. When the family breaks the children often become the biggest losers. So many children today have watched the pain of divorce and the unhappy family that they themselves are no longer willing to make such a commitment to in their future. That is such a shame! Having been married 47 years and having raised 8 children - I can only tell you that marriage done right gets better and better everyday.